11/22/2013

A Response to my Distress

[Content Note: sexual assault]

This is the response I got from someone who I thought was my friend after I told him about being sexually assaulted in a nightclub. The only context I will provide for the following Facebook conversation is that "John" is a 20 year old guy I went to school with who is currently studying in the UK. Up until we had that conversation, I considered him a good friend. That's in the past now, I refuse to continue a friendship with such a sexist person. The views he holds are dangerous, and he makes up his own definitions for terms.

(The writing is plagued with mistakes, I was typing fast at the time, but I'd rather leave the conversation exactly as it is, except for changing his name)

NAOMI
upset
i was crying for a while too
i got sexually asaulted in the nightclub and then alienated it was ridiculous

JOHN
How did you get sexually assaulted

NAOMI
some asshole thought it would be hilarious to motorboat me (tongue included) on the dancefloor
and when i yelled at him for it, everyone thought i was crazy, not him
some guys told me i should go home
i wrote all about it in the link i sent you

JOHN
sexually assaulted is when you get raped
that is not sexual assault, but still it is way out of order
and if i was a girl it would have annoyed me alot

NAOMI
no, sexual assaault by penetration is rape
groping is sexual assault

JOHN
nah man
wrong term
trust me

NAOMI
trust me too, i did criminology for a year 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_assault

Sexual assault - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org
Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is 

threatened, coerced, or forced to engage against their will, or any 

sexual touching of a person who has not consented. This includes rape 

(such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration), groping, forced 

kissing, child sexual abuse,...

JOHN
if the court herd this, they would hear you out but it would be wasting 

they´re time. dont use sexual assualt for a minor thing

NAOMI
its calles sexual assault because it is sexual assault john
rape is the worst form of sexual assault, but it doesnt make the rest 

any less of sexual assault
being touched against my will is NOT a minor thing

JOHN
these things happen when girls go out. girls get approached by guys all the time. they just push them away, nd they do go away, if they carry on, as in attacking you, thats sexual assault.
people would interpret sexual assualt in the wrong way

NAOMI
no its not, just because its your perception doesnt make it so, i literally forwarded you the actual definition of sexual assault
your views are actually part of the reason why this behavior persits

JOHN
im sat next to my gf nd she agrees with me

NAOMI
because instead of challenging these sexist attitudes towards girls in 

night clubs
youre just saying"yeh, it happens"
well just because she agrees doesnt erase the definition of sexual 

assault

JOHN
girls grope guys diks this happens alot. old women touch up guys, they push them away nd carry on with ure night out

NAOMI
http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs/sexual_assault.pdf
and that attitude is no less disgusting, no one should be touching anyone without their consent

JOHN
One of my mates got grabbed in the balls by this old woman and he is quite a shy guy and he felt really awkward and out of place and she was telling him to come a fuck her and shit and she was trying to get with him and everything, being really pesistant and he was really uncomfortable, in the end he just was like no thanks and left
And he wouldn't say he was sexually assaulted

NAOMI
that IS sexual assault
if he didnt consennt
just because he doesnt refer to it as such doesnt mean it isnt
the reason this continues to happen is that people seem to think its okay
its not, like your mate said, he felt awkward and out of place
noone should make you feel like that in a nightclub
or anywhere

JOHN
Yeah but if you go around saying stuff like that is sexual assault all 

the time, everyone would be sexually assaulted many times by now, and 

half the people would be in jail

NAOMI
as they should be tbh - and thats exactly why people need sexual assault awareness
because im pretty sure if they knew their behavior IS sexual assault, theyd do it less

JOHN
Mate a night club, part of the reason is to go pull and people have all sorts of weird ways of trying to do that and if they do something to make you feel slightly uncomfortable at the start that is not sexual assault, that is just shiot that happens

NAOMI
although many people are fully aware, they just dont give a shit
the purpose of motorboating me was not to pull, it was just to fuckin motorboat me john
guys who grab peoples asses and then walk away are not trying to pull

JOHN
You can't go around prosecuting eveyone for things like that

NAOMI
im not prosecuting anyone

JOHN
well if you are saying its secual assault then you should be 

prosectuing them

NAOMI
im raising awareness to the fact that so many people have such a cavallier  attitude towards something that is hurtful and degrading
oh yeh def, id love to prosecute assholes who think its fine to force their touch unto others without consent
but i cant
the best i can do is let everyone know what happened, because another reason for this being widely unreported is the response people get the responses i got from the guys around me in the club
the response ive got from a mate telling me i should take another tone on the article
the response from you, claiming my experience is minorwhen ive told you it has really upset me
dont belittle me

JOHN
I ain't belittling you
You are just going well over the top over something that really isn't over the top, this is why so many people laugh even harder at these situations is because people go around making a massive huff about someone doing something like that, so many people get that all the time, clubs are like this and people know that before they go in, that is part of the club experience, now if you make such a big deal about that, then what kind of a deal are we going to make when a girl actually gets raped, or attempted by someone

NAOMI
it is a fucking big deal john, someone head was in between my boobs without my consent, someone i have never met before
someone imposed themselves on my body
and yes, rape deserves and even massive huge fucking enormous huff because it is one of the most digusting forms of torture that can be inflicted on anyone

JOHN
its out of order, but don´t take it to extreme. honestly, what ure saying is disgusting me. yeah its wrong to do that. do what any other girl does nd slap him round the face. anything more than that would be a sexual assualt. do not mix motor boating with actual body assault, as in attempted rape, that is sexual assault

NAOMI
john, read the definition of sexual assault
motorboating IS sexual assault, seeing as i didnt give consent
i never said it was rape nor did i say it was attempted rape
this is copy paste btw
Sexual assaults are acts
involving the “sexual touching of another
without their consent”.
Touching can be the slightest touch. This
includes touching with any part of the
body, anything else and through anything
(for examples see “Some Questions
Answered”).

JOHN
i cant be bothered with this argument. its when they persist after you said no then yes it is sexual assault.

NAOMI
no, it isnt
why are you making up definitions
provide me with a definition that supports what you are saying please
because otherwise your claims are insubstantiated

JOHN
people who have been sexual assaulted would be offended, coz they knw 

what it is

NAOMI
youre still making up your own definition

JOHN
seriously leave it. otherwise ure guna make urself look like a mug

NAOMI
if you do show me an actual definition that represents what you are 

stating, i can start to take you seriously
no clue what a mug is anyway

JOHN
human common sense, using one brain. u shouldve slapped him tbh. cry me a river

NAOMI
http://www.nidirect.gov.uk/sv-definition

JOHN
its you. go ask someone for the definition. ask Wikipedia

NAOMI
i have, and it is exactly what i have told you it is
im not gonna use violence against that sort of behavior, its pointless really

JOHN
you attention seeking little girl. then why complain if ure not guna do 

shit about it
your problem not mine. stop talking to me about this

NAOMI
well, raising awareness is what im doing. i got the guy kicked out, didnt have to use violence
sure thing, congrats on being a misogynist

JOHN
done nd dusted. its not sexual assault otherwise he wouldve went jail. be quiet. you attention seeking little girl. please. you keep ure opinion nd i have mine.

NAOMI
thats stupid shit john, like saying someone who raped someone else isnt really a rapist if they arent in jail

JOHN
ure deluded...
dont include rape in this when u have no idea what its like.
just stop talking to me about this!

NAOMI
you're the one who brought rape to the table in the first place


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2 comments:

  1. I realize that this is over a month later, but what John said to you just seems so horribly wrong that I wanted to say something. Why did he feel it was so important to quibble over the definition of "sexual assault"? A friend is supposed to sympathize with you no matter what, not dismiss what happened to you as unimportant. The man who "motor boated" you without your affirmative consent is completely in the wrong. This violation of your body was not your fault at all. It doesn't matter what you were wearing (not that John said it did, but that seems to be a favorite excuse of men who sexually harass or assault women.)

    Part of the problem may stem from us males showing favoritism to members of our own sex. When a man sexually assaults a woman, it is a lot easier for us to identity with and empathize with the man than the woman. We may think, "Well, I know it's wrong and I would never do that, but can I really blame him?" For many of us males, we have never been sexually assaulted, so it is difficult for us to understand what you're going through. Simultaneously, those of us who are heterosexual have routinely experienced sexual desire into response to women's bodies, so as long as we interpret your assailant's motivation as pure lust, we are prepared to cut him a lot of slack. If we view the actions of the man who motor boated you against your will as being driven by sexual passion, he seems less evil than if his actions were driven by a desire to control or harm you. (Of course, what he did is equally illegal regardless of why he did it, and you have just as much right to be upset either way.)

    In general, we men seem to be held to a very low standard when it comes to sexual violence. Most of the people around you seemed to feel that the men at clubs who sexually harass women have no agency. It's as if instead of making choices, these men were just acting on instinct and it was foolish to expect them to change. The expression "boys will be boys" gets applied to grown men and leaves us in a prolonged childhood. Society needs to start holding men to a higher standard (and continuing to hold women to that same standard, if changing gender roles makes sexual violence more popular among women.) Someone needs to impress upon boys the importance of treating women as equals and respecting women's sexual boundaries.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What an ass, incredibly wrong. I would like to see this guy in a harassed girl's shoes... GROW UP JOHN. And be a better friend, who actually cares for his friend's feelings about being assaulted...not even a word of comfort, wow.

    ReplyDelete